


Excerpts from monitored communications between Yakushi Kabuto and Orochimaru

by AriesDraco



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, How babies are made, Pre-gaiden, how the birds and bees talk at the orphanage started, implied past one-sided Kabuto/Orochimaru, stem cuttings don't cut it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-01
Updated: 2016-01-01
Packaged: 2018-05-10 22:23:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5603137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AriesDraco/pseuds/AriesDraco
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Presumably how Mitsuki was conceived (of), though, probably not. Crack and sass all around.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Excerpts from monitored communications between Yakushi Kabuto and Orochimaru

Excerpts from the monitored communications between Yakushi Kabuto and Orochimaru. 

-

Intercepted message #809-79825

To my dearest Kabuto,

It has come to my attention that Konoha has been working hard to produce the next generation of shinobi. Based on the observed trend so far, the most talented ninjas in recorded history can be expected within the next decade or so. As such, I believe it is an appropriate time for us to create a child together.

O.

-

Intercepted message #809-79826

Dear Orochimaru-sama,

No.

Putting aside the fact that our communications are being monitored and your previous message has probably resulted in an Anbu visit to your lab, you are perfectly capable of creating clones without my contribution. Besides, I already have children to look after who need my attention more than a theoretical 'most talented ninja in recorded history'.

Yours,  
Kabuto.

-

Intercepted message #809-79827

To my dearest Kabuto,

You of all people must know that children are the result of the random recombination of genes from their parents. The whole idea of creating a child together is to mix up its genetics to see if better synergies can arise. A clone would not serve the same purpose. 

I asked Yamato if he would like to contribute instead, but he seems to have misunderstood my intentions. The specimen he left behind was of no use to me at all. I have enclosed it as you might be able to find a better use for it.

O.

-

Intercepted message #809-79828

Dear Orochimaru-sama,

Please find enclosed the specimen referred to in your previous message so that you can go fuck yourself with it. I did not appreciate having to give an impromptu lecture on the birds and the bees when that package was accidentally opened by one of the kids. 

I do not understand why you would think I would find a better use for something like that.

Yours,  
Kabuto

-

Intercepted message #809-79829

To my dearest Kabuto,

From the number of times you tried to get me into bed over the years, I merely assumed you might enjoy such things, just as I assumed that you would be happy to make a child with me. Then again, on hindsight, you have already tried mixing our genes and the results were less than stellar, so your lack of enthusiasm may have actually saved me from making a time-consuming mistake.

On an unrelated note, I have decided to plant Yamato's specimen, since it is not something I would otherwise use. It has started to grow roots. Do you think it will grow like a stem-cutting into another Yamato?

O.

-

Intercepted message #809-79830

Dear Orochimaru-sama,

That was once.

I am glad that you have given up on the crazy notion of making a child. Please remember that that you need to make this body last, seeing as it is unlikely that you will be allowed to acquire fresh bodies to transfer to, not one that you will like at any rate. 

I have prepared the refill of your regular prescription.

Yours,  
Kabuto

-

Intercepted message #809-79831

To my dearest Kabuto,

I don't know how you got the impression that I gave up.

O.

-

Intercepted message #809-79832

Dear Orochimaru-sama,

Were you trying to get a repeat visit from Yamato? Did you finally use that specimen and discover the wonders and joys of penetration? Because I received a visit from the Hokage himself and now half the children want to become ninjas. 

I was told that there was no sign of any experiment that would suggest creating another human being and asked if I thought you were serious about it. I suppose we will all find out in a couple of months.

Yours,  
Kabuto

-

Intercepted message #809-79833

To my dearest Kabuto,

Please stop spreading rumours that I am pregnant. That is not biologically possible.

O.

-

Intercepted message #809-79834

Dear Orochimaru-sama,

What have you done?

ANBU note: Message cut off without signature. No reply was received. For further monitoring.

**Author's Note:**

> No, the stem cutting did not grow into another Yamato. Yes, there is now a dildo plant in (one of) Orochimaru's hideout(s).


End file.
